Happy New Year

This weekend I had another birthday...we all do. I started the day at 4:30 in the morning. This year for my birthday I decided to participate in the Iron Girl 5K. I wanted to bring in my new year doing something that was symbolic to what I have achieved. One year ago I would not have made it across the finish line. One year ago I weighed 100 pounds more than I do today. It was amazing. 2700 women celebrating different hurdles crossed. 2700 women going on the same journey, different routes, but same journey. I finished the race in 48.1 minutes. I beat my last 5K by 5 minutes. I felt great as I ran across that finish line. I do not even recognize the girl I was a year ago. Even emotionally things are different. I am more self aware, more confident. Relationships that hurt so bad are even different this year. Amazingly different this year has turned out to be. I am excited for what it holds. I look forward to looking back next year and celebrating the new things I will see. Life is good! I am still real, I am still okay.

Denise

EEEKKKKK!

When did that trusted friend become someone untrustworthy? Were you blind to their game? Do I trust to easily? Do I let people in and then when they cut my legs off from underneath me I am stunned? I think I need to learn how to compartmentalize. I need to learn how to keep things personal. You see I hate showing any sign of humanity...you know fear, anger, hurt, failure...I want to present to the world a perfect little package. The problem is, I am not perfect so things come up and oops, the world sees my imperfections blaring in their faces. What do I do? I freak out! I shake my hands. I run. I hide. I do anything other than let the emotion happen. Why do I refuse to let life happen? Why do I think emotions like fear, anger, hurt, failure are bad? They are a part of life. Today I am still real...today I am still okay.

Denise

Life...

Life is happening all around me and I have so few words. I feel things that make me want to run away from it all. I am in an uncomfortable situation that just keeps getting weirder and weirder. When did this happen? Did I wake up one day to it or did it develop over time. I want to be sitting on a beach somewhere all alone with just me, the waves, the wind...they always know just what to say in times like these. I want to scream one moment and the next I want to climb under a rock where no one will find me and no one will know that I exist. No one will love me and leave me. No one will reject me...am I real today? am I okay today? I usually try to end my blogs with the ever positive "I'm still real, I'm still okay..." but today I just do not know. I just do not know.

Denise

Hold the phone...you want fries with that?

As I aspire to live a healthy life, sometimes I get it wrong. Sometimes I let my emotions dominate my eating. Today is a gloomy day, I did not get my morning coffee because I was out, and I got a new student from Brazil who thinks he is a Jedi Knight. My hair is mussed, my outfit not warm enough for the weather and candy can be found when searched for. Search for candy I did and ate said candy...guilty. I ask myself why I did this. I should not be eating candy. I asked my self while chewing the jelly bean. I asked myself again while eating the chocolate. I think I used it as an excuse...my day is bad so I can eat bad. What a horrible rational. If I let my environment control my actions how much control of my self do I have? Score: Environment 1, Self 0.

I am still real, I am still okay!

Denise

The real thing...

Reality: something that exists or happens: something that has real existence and must be dealt with in real life.



I have to confess something. For many years I lived in an alternate reality. You read that right. I lived my life believing that my reality depended upon another. I was real if dad was happy. I was real if my friends were happy. I was real if he was happy. My reality was always based upon an others happiness. My own happiness was based on others happiness. When bad things happened I created some fairy tale to whisk it away. I never dealt with it, I never confronted the bad thing. Confrontation creeps me out. I never was real. My reality was alternate because it was different than my own. It has been a year since I have discovered that I am real and I am okay. That problems come, I deal with them, and I move on. My joy and my happiness is not only based upon you. I am real and I am okay! It is my journey's mantra. Tears may be rolling down my cheek...I am real and I am okay. Great sorrow may be weighing down my heart...I am real and I am okay. Laughter may be bubbling out of my heart...I am real and I am okay!



Denise

Ms. Decker...you look taller

I stand 6'1 on a good day, with no heals and my hair flat. Today a student thought I looked taller. I laughed...you know that deep laugh that just spreads joy all over your body. I look taller...hmmm!? Of course that was not the end of the joy. Another student piped in and gave his two cents...which in retrospect was like one hundred dollars...he said that maybe I just lost weight...give that boy an A+

When push comes to shove...

I was walking on the tredmill yesterday and I got angry. I got so mad I was fumeing. I was thinking about my life and how I have lived it. I was thinking about situations and how I handled them. The big question...why not me? How can people around me fight for what they want and get it while I sit and watch what I want walk away? Why don't I fight for what I want? Is there something wrong with fighting? I have been sitting on the sidelines for so long. Fighting is too messy, I could get hurt. So I sit. Well, yesterday I got mad. Rascal Flats said it best in their song Stand "...when push comes to shove, you taste what your made of, you might bend till you break, cuz it's all you can take, in the end you get up decide you've had enough, you get mad, you get strong, wipe your hands, shake it off, then you stand..." So often I wonder, why it is that I can fight for the innocent, but I cannot fight for myself. I have it in me! I have the strength to look deep inside and see greatness. I was created to be powerful "...the same spirit that raised Christ from the dead, is alive in me..." I need to show this world what I am made of. I need to keep getting mad at mediocre. I need to not settle for second best. I might loose a few battles, but I can still fight. I am still real. I am still okay.

Denise